Thursday, May 24, 2012

What Have We Done (To Our Family)?

There probably comes a time in most people's adoption journey, perhaps after the initial high and excitement wear off...maybe after the honeymoon period when life settles into a new chaotic normal, when a pesky feeling starts to creep in to one's thoughts and maybe even their words.  Panic may set in as he or she begins asking (silently or aloud), "What have I/we done?  Oh my gosh...this is permanent and I have forever altered the size/shape/feel of our family.  This is so much harder than I imagined.  What if I can't do this?  What if I fail?  What if our family fails?"  I can't remember when these questions popped up initially, but they have been present in one form or another for a good part of our personal adoption journey and I wonder if these or similar questions have linked to your adoption journey as well?    


I think these questions and feeling are completely normal and I wish people openly discussed them more often.  Simply being honest about feelings and fears does not mean one regrets the decision to adopt and may actually be healing for individuals and families when done in a constructive and supportive environment.  Adoption is hard and is not, in my opinion, God's "Plan A" for children or families.  God designed creation and reproduction beautifully in a miraculous and a specific way and even though Scripture tells us time and again to care for those who cannot care for themselves, that does not mean it will ever be easy.  (Of course, parenting biological kids is not easy either!)  In fact, I am nearly certain we purchased our family a ticket to the life-long hard road.  But do you know who is on that road with us?  Jesus...every stinkin' step of the way.  So, where else would I rather be?  As the saying goes, "God doesn't call the equipped, he equips the called."  


With that being said, I will be completely honest and tell you that there have been many nights, when after the hustle and bustle of the day comes to a close and I am finally, FINALLY off of my feet for the day, I listen to the silence and wonder what we have we done?  What are we doing?  On the flight over to Ethiopia last month to attend our court hearing, I had a silent battle with God during the 13 hours in the air.  Me: God, I am not sure about this.  Really, God...I just don't know if I can handle another child right now.  Especially one who has been through so much hurt over the past five years.  What if she doesn't want this, God?  What if?  I can't do this God.  No, I can't.  Please take this cup from me.  God:  Why are you always trying to get ten steps ahead of me?  If you couldn't do this, you wouldn't be doing this.  You do realize this is not about you, right?  Right?  You can and I have provided abundantly for you so that you could share that abundance.  One step at a time...crawl if you need to, but keep moving forward knowing that you are not alone.  Me:  But I am scared, God.  Really scared.  I know how this goes.  Transitions are hard.  Grief is real.  God:  The choice is yours, that is beauty of free will.  You can continue on the path I have set before you, experiencing the heartaches and blessings, all the while learning more about my heart and your purpose or you can divert and call it a day.  Me: I am not a quitter and I am not going back...back to a time and place when I was capable of making it through the day on my own without your help.  No, now my days are long and tiring and stressful (at best) and I need you every second of day, but I also feel your presence more abundantly than every before.  You are so very real and I know you are with us.  God: Remember to have faith like a child.  Look for me in your children, listen for me in their words.  Their hurt is my hurt, their joy is my joy.  In them, you will find me.  


And so we go.  Big Sister was officially added to the family roll call in April and should be home any day now.  I know some of you think we are crazy.  That is completely OK, because I also think we are crazy.  Life is hard and one way or another, all of us end up exiting this life.  I want to make sure my prayer and worship are not just empty words or pretty songs, but rather that they are filled with meaning and action and that they are not about me.  Are there times during the day when I want to scream out, "Stop touching me!"  Are there times during the day when I do scream out, "Stop touching me?"  Absolutely!  Do I lose my patience, throw temper tantrums like a two-year-old, have off days, sad days, angry days, resentful days, and everything in between days?  Yes!  Are there days when I gaze through the chaos and glimpse Larry and Moe playing together, and wonder, if just for a second, what would have been?  Temporarily grieving the loss of a simpler, perhaps easier life?  Yes, I do.  But, I try not to linger in any of those thoughts or feelings.  I allow myself to feel them, to express them, to pray over them, but not to linger in them.  


God tells us to carry one another's burdens and essentially that is all we are doing.  That does not require riches or perfection, a college degree, or any other elite skill set, it just requires compassion.  That's it.  So, whether we are carrying the burden of an elderly parent, sick child, lonely neighbor, out-of-work friend, grieving widow, hungry family, orphan child, or homeless wanderer...whether near or far...you are doing your part to level the playing field.  One day, we all may need someone to carry our burdens.  I imagine that is how God wants us to live our lives.  Not throwing up walls and boundaries between us and "them", whoever the them may be, but breaking down walls, reaching across all lines that separate and divide, and coming together in the love of Christ.  So, yes we have gloriously wrecked our simple two-child home.  We cannot afford college and our food bills are atrocious.  My home if filled with toys, noise, mess, chaos, and lots of sibling bickering, love, and prayer.  We have signed up for the Marines when we our training would have pointed to the Cub Scouts.  We are in over our heads, but exactly where God wants us: out of the boat!  


Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.  -Galatians 6:2


What fears, questions, or concerns have entered in your home post adoption that you wish others would discuss more openly?  Why do you think they are not more openly addressed in our training?  


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8 comments:

  1. Thanks for this post. I ran across you via a google search. We have 3 kids right now: 5.5 and 3.5 year bios and a 7 month old precious adopted baby. We just received a call this week that the birthmother is pregnant again and wants us to parent this one....due on the baby's 1 year birthday. I was in shock. I wanted to cry because 3 is overwhelming some days. We are just going to finalize her adoption this week. I have questioned why. I'm human. Oh, but how He has been faithful to provide! I am daily clinging to Phillipians 4 right now! Much of what you have shared sounds like me talking. Thanks for shooting straight. I love honesty...even when it hurts sometimes.

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    1. Amanda,

      That is so exciting that you are adding a new "unexpected" blessing. Believe me, I know it is scary...especially when we already feel tapped out. I cling to God moment-to-moment some days. It is a liberating experience in a way.

      We have been home now for less than one month with our newest daughter and I can honestly say I home has never been this calm. Ever! God has showed up big time to help keep us all calm and is teaching me how to direct the calm, if that makes sense?! We also decided that an extra set of eyes and hands would be a huge help, so this summer we are having a college-aged mother's helper come in a few days (for a few hours) per week. She has been such a big help and with a 5, 3, and 2 year old, it has made a huge difference in keeping me calm and collected when everything is 'exploding' around me. If there is anyway to have a helper come in, I would highly recommend it. Will your 5 yo be in school this Fall?

      Good luck! I will be praying for you!

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  2. love your honesty:)-P.A.

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  3. This is so well said...yes, I've definitely been there. I have a half written post that is different than this, but so much the same.... reposting yours for now!
    To answer your questions at the bottom, though, I think most parents are afraid of being misunderstood...afraid of others thinking they regret bringing their kids home, afraid that others will question their love for their kids, or afraid that they will shame their children by sharing some of these emotions...I don't think we should be afraid to share, but I think these are some reasons people don't. -K.G.

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    1. Thanks! I think you are right! People don't honestly discuss the hard parts of the journey bc they fear how others may perceive their statements or they don't want to scare prospective adoptive/foster families away from taking the leap. However, do you think that by not discussing the challenges, some adoptive families then begin to think something is wrong with them or their family when these questions arise?

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  4. Very well said. We have definitely been there.....
    -G.M.

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  5. I remember 4 childbirths, 2 of which were horrendous labors, and once the baby was in my arms, I honestly could not recall the pain of it all. I remember raising 4 girls who were all teenagers at the same time, and when they went off to college, I honestly could not recall many of the hard times. Now I am in the midst of raising 2 sons, and we have our share of hard times. On the worst days, I'm reminded that this too shall pass, and the blessings far out-weigh the troubles. At this point, I'm convinced that counting my blessings as we go, is the remedy for any discontentment. Adopted kids bring a different set of troubles, which are only troubles because they are uncharted waters to us, but the blessings they bring to our extended family is priceless! What have we done to our family? We've enlightened them, made their lives richer, and changed their world-view beyond words. (sorry for my lengthy response :) -S.K.

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    1. Thank you!! You have a great perspective considering there are not many of us growing our family by any means AFTER all kids have left the home and started families of their own. Your family story is so inspiring...always telling others about you. Thanks for the positive thoughts and for sharing!!

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