Feeling Helpless, Creating Distractions

As some of you know, we are preparing to travel to Ethiopia to meet Big Sister and attend our court hearing.  There are so many emotions that go into preparing for a trip like this.  Nervousness at the initial meeting.  Frustration due to our limited ability to communicate with our child.  Excitement over the thought of our expanding family.  Fear about traveling so far away from my 'already' children.  Anticipation of seeing old friends and spending time with our new daughter.  Happy, sad, excited, nervous, fearful, up, down, and sideways...the list goes on and on.


However, there is something else I am feeling right now that is so very different from our previous adoptions.  Helpless.  I am feeling helpless regarding the situation surrounding Big Sister's birth family.  While I cannot disclose specific details, I can say that adoption is NOT justice.  While I believe adoption is absolutely, unequivocally, hands-down necessary in our fallen world, I do not believe adoption is the end-all, be-all.  Furthermore, I do not believe our family was God's "Plan A" for any of our adopted children.  Adoption becomes necessary because of the systemic injustices in our world.  And because adoption is necessary, people need to write laws and rules that govern how such adoptions take place.  This is good.  And bad.  The same laws that help prevent child trafficking and help enforce ethical standards for adoption, prohibit adoptive families from extending any sort of help or assistance to any birth family member that may be alive.  Why?  Well, that is simple.  To an outsider, it could look like a child has been exchanged for money, goods, or medical care.  This is bad.  But care is good, right?!  Ahhh!  I did not know of birth family two moths ago.  I do not want to exchange money or anything else for a child.  I want to help in every way that I can, but I can't.  The rules say no.  The laws say no.  And doing otherwise would jeapordize our adoption and the entire process.  This is bad.   I am so broken right now.  You see, two months ago all I knew was that God had a child planned for our family.  I knew nothing specific about this child or his or her past.  Now, I know.  And what I know is that IT IS NOT FAIR, IT IS NOT RIGHT!  


If God did keep such a system for determining who cares for his children, I believe we were probably Plan C or D.  However, Plan A and Plan B could not come to fruition because, well, the rich oppress the poor.  (We are the rich in case you are wondering.)  We do this through our consumer habits, our political systems, military actions, etc.  I am very thankful there is even a Plan C, don't get me wrong.  I am so very thankful that Ethiopia is open and committed to placing children in families and not leaving them in institutions.  Praise God for that.  


So, as I work through these countless and conflicting emotions, I had to find something productive and tangible to do with my mind and my hands.  Because if I didn't, I really think the thought of what is about to happen next week in the coming months would break me.  It is breaking me to be honest.  So, I must distract myself.  How?  Well, doing something fun to help the kids at the orphanage celebrate Easter.  I am planning an Easter egg hunt for the kids in Ethiopia.  Now, I know other adoptive parents will cringe at the thought of the kids getting candy, but I had to.  I really did.  Please forgive me.  I don't do artificial sweetners either, it's a chemical thing, so I am even giving them real sugar.  It will be organic candy...does that make it better?  Breaking all my rules!  Please do not worry though.  I am not even going to attempt to explain that Americans celebrate the resurrection of Christ (our end-all and be-all holy days) with bunnies and chocolate eggs.  (Stay tuned for my atonement and fuzzy bunnies post.)  No, I am not going there.  I am simply going to make it a game of hide-and-seek.  There may be some bunny ears and glasses because they may of just happened to have been on sale today.  But this is just silliness.  And I needed the distraction.  Because really friends, IT IS NOT FAIR.  No one should ever have to stare her or his death in the face, while losing everything they have ever known, when help could be available, because the rich don't play nicely with the poor.  NOT FAIR, NOT JUST!  


Matthew 6:19-21 tells us, "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal.  But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."  Father, my heart is with you and my hands and feet will follow your will.  Please continue to direct our path, open our eyes, and show us how.  Please God, show us how!  

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