Found Abandoned

Found Abandoned.


Two words and yet practically everything we know about our daughter's past.  Not found abandoned with instructions attached.  Not found abandoned with a letter describing life conditions too harsh to raise a child.  Not found abandoned with a letter stating how much he or she really loved this child yet was unable to provide for her.  Not found abandoned with a piece DNA material attached to help us locate any family member that may be living.  The only information we have about our daughter's past are those two words, along with a police statement, a few statements from witnesses, and the location of her abandonment.  On a hopeful note, the location of Sassy's abandonment suggests that the person 'dropping her off' knew what they were doing and wanted her to be adopted.  


Left to my imagination, coupled with life conditions we witnessed when traveling and what I have come to learn about our daughter's personality, I suspect that someone loved her very much. Sassy's ability to give and receive love demonstrate either a strong attachment to a previous caregiver or a fierce resilience and determined spirit.  I suspect there was either a death in the family or life conditions that warranted making the most difficult decision of one's lifetime.  I suspect someone is still out there wondering if Sassy made it home and I wish I could just pick up the phone and let him or her know she has arrived, is thriving, and that all is well...except that huge gaping hole.  Who are you?  Where are you?  Does she have sisters or brothers?  Why didn't you just go into the police station?  Why didn't you provide more information? 


Years from now when Sassy starts asking questions, I hope my answers and the love of our family are enough to make her feel secure and confident; although I know they will not be sufficient.  Nothing our family can give her will ever fill that gaping hole.  An information hole and probably a hole in her heart.  Thankfully, our God is bigger than any life circumstance.  He can fill any hole, heal any hurt, and provide a peace of mind that surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:7).  


When the time comes to discuss her past, I am confident God will provide the right words and give our family direction.  He always does.  At this point in time, I do not know what that will look like, but I trust that it will happen when the time is right.  Day by day, month by month, year by year, as we shower Sassy with our love, teach her about our faith in Christ, and  parent all of our children to the best of our abilities, we pray that God is working from within.  That He is behind the scenes, building the foundation, and instilling faith and confidence.  Our God is the God of all things seen and all things unseen.  Although the trials of this life may never make sense to me while walking the earth, I earnestly believe Romans 8:28 when it says God causes everything to work together for the good of those who Him and are called according to His purpose for them.  


In my opinion, Isaiah (who prophesied approximately 720-780 years before the birth of Christ), has some of the most beautiful, poetic, and profound statements in the entire Bible.  I will close this post with Isaiah 40:28-31.  A message of power, hope, confidence, and faith.  The passage states, "Do you not know?  Have you not heard?  The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth.  He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." 


Oh, and let us not forget...God has found each and every one of us abandoned.  So, while we may not have a police report documenting the conditions surrounding our abandonment, our hearts each have their own story.  Found abandoned has nothing on our living God!  

Artificial Flavor: What is That Stuff, Anyway?!

With Easter just around the corner, my mind once again circles back to a question I have asked (silently) for years, but never took the time to look for an answer.  Artificial flavor is an ingredient listed on countless products in regular grocery stores.  Seems innocent enough...this or that product contains natural and artificial flavor.  But what does that really mean?  

The first thing I found out about artificial flavoring is that is has a lot to do with the sense of smell.  While food can only taste sweet, sour, salty, bitter, or savory the number of ways a particular food may smell is countless.  Therefore, by altering the smell (chemically), you essentially alter how the food tastes.  So, according to various scientific references on Wikipedia, the term flavoring actually denotes the combined chemical sensations of taste and smell.  Great, I thought my mouth was just in danger...but come to find out the chemical masterminds are after my nose too.  

But what are the actual chemicals?  How dangerous are they?  Here is the kicker: the FDA does not require that flavor companies (what on earth is a flavor company?) disclose ingredients as long as all of the ingredients are "generally regarded as safe".  Therefore, these companies can protect their secret toxic potions and $1.5 billion annual profit while quite possibly harming all of us and our environment.  

I do about 90% of our grocery shopping at Whole Foods.  While my mother-in-law jokingly calls it  "whole paycheck" I shop there for a reason.  All of their ingredients are natural, many are organic, and you will never find questionable additives or preservatives in their stores.  The average Joe and Jane can read AND understand the ingredients listed on the labels.  In addition, they are committed to sustainable food sources, protecting the environment, and supporting local farming operations.  I once had our local store manager explain to me the difference between a modified starch (safe) and a genetically modified food (questionable).  Furthermore, I find that my grocery bills are about the same regardless of where I shop.  By sticking to the basics (or shopping the perimeter of the grocery store), eating healthy does not need to break the bank.  

Like all parents, I want my children to grow up strong and healthy and I really do not believe that larger food chains have our best interest at stake.  In the year 1980, the world's population was approximately 4.5 Billion.  Today, it is approximately 7 Billion.   What do you think the big players in the food industry have done to keep up with the demand for food while not cutting into their profits?  That's right: chemically altered and artificially flavored food-like substances.  After all, the natural flavoring is just too expensive and hard to find according to the 'flavorists'...you know, those guys and gals who make a living from producing chemically-altered flavors at the flavor company.    

So, just when you thought reading food labels could not get any more difficult, think again.  The simple ingredient, artificial flavor, may not be so simple after all.  Crude oil and coal tar could very well be lumped with your (and my) morning coffee creamer and cute little chocolate-flavored Easter bunnies.  

My mom always used to say, "You ate such and such when you were a kid and you turned out just fine." (No comments, please.)  My response would always be that chicken used to be chicken and sugar used to be sugar.  Now, nearly everything is modified or altered.  While it is becoming harder to decipher what is good vs what is bad, it is not impossible.

When you are out shopping for your Easter treats, go ahead, flip the label over and take notice to just how many ingredients you are familiar with.  The basic ingredients in chocolate are: cocoa beans, sugar, milk, cocoa butter, lecithin, and vanilla.  I have a hunch you will be pressed to find any of those listed in the mass produced goodies.  

Now, on to my next pressing question.  An Easter bunny?  How to explain this one to our Ethiopian-American son?!?!  

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The Honeymoon is O-V-E-R

There are honeymoon periods for many relationships: dating, new jobs, promotions, attempting to maintain a garden, marriage, birth of a new child, and yes, the homecoming of adopted children.  


Because young children cannot hide, hinder, or temper their emotions to the same extent as older children and adults, I believe the 'honey' of the honeymoon period for our family mainly affected mom, dad, and Sporty.  While mom, dad, and Sporty were on their best (or best as could be expected on little to no sleep) behavior, Larry stepped up to the plate in ways I never thought possible for a four year old (even giving himself the title 'oldest kid in the house while Sporty is at school') and Moe and Sassy were literally battling it out daily for the position of baby of the family.  


Fast forward eight weeks and our family now has a new look and feel.  Larry, Moe, and Sassy have assumed their new family positions.  Any struggle that they went through seems to have produced healthy sibling relations.  Sporty has begun to come out of his shell and show us his true self.  We have had several communication breakthroughs where I felt (at that point in time) we had made it to a new level in understanding each other.  He is also more willing to discuss his likes and dislikes openly, which is great!  However, it has also become apparent that (most likely due to the fact that he was one of the oldest kids in the transition home) he is not used to following strict rules, and instead acts as if they are only suggestions.  Our best guess is that he was being taught to be a man and make decisions for himself in Ethiopia and now, all of the sudden, that autonomy (to some degree) is being placed on a shelf and he is assuming the role of an eleven year old Ethiopian-American boy.  Big difference!  Therefore, I always try to assess each situation from his viewpoint before making any decisions on how proceed.  


We have had several occasions when, GASP, Sporty has decided to act like eleven year olds everywhere and do what he 'feels like doing' regardless of the rule.  That, of course, was met with our strict adherence to the rule policy which was subsequently met with his pout and stomp off to his room act.  Occasions likely to spur the aforementioned scenario are: vegetables at dinnertime (yes, they are on your plate for a reason), riding your bike on the neighbors lawn (because even though I realize some Americans are over-the-top about preserving their lawn by polluting the environment, we have the responsibility to teach you rules and boundaries), wearing a jacket to school (we now use a thermostat with an image of proper attire for the day to enforce the rule), and us insisting that he not throw chalk (or whatever object happens to be in his hand) at his brother's head (there is really nothing else to say about this one).  


I admit it, in the big scheme of things, we have it easy.  Yes, days are long, tiring, and chock-full of new learning experiences, each built upon the last, but we are doing exactly what we set out to do: provide a loving family and home (with rules, homework, and lots of vegetables) to children.  Our children are healthy, thriving, adapting and overcoming at all turns.  At night, after everyone is tucked away in peaceful dreams, I marvel at how far we have come in just a few short weeks.  I praise God for giving us strength, courage, and wisdom and for helping us get back up when we stumble...which we do...almost daily!  


Father God, I praise you for your faithfulness.  Thank you for always knowing exactly what we need and for giving our children wisdom and courage beyond their years.  I pray that each of them seek you always and that our family live a life that is pleasing in your site.  As Psalm 19:14 states, I pray, "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my rock and redeemer."  Thank you God for giving us your son to show us the way.  We are eternally grateful.  In His holy name I pray.  Amen!  

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Why We Do Not Watch TV

Over the past two months, as parents, we have spent a great deal of time reexamining some of our parental standards, beliefs, and rules. When we jumped from having two preschoolers in the house to three preschoolers and one eleven year old, an adjustment and reexamination period was inevitable.  


As I mentioned in a previous post, I tend to spend a good deal of time observing: myself (as objectively as possible), our family environment, and the overall environment and society.  It is kind of like a hobby, but with a very distinct goal: to be the best mother possible while staying true to and aligned with our Christian faith.  This sounds a lot easier than it actually is because we live in a society that that is constantly bombarding us with contradictory messages.  (Take for example an article in a magazine that talks about ways to develop a positive self image in young girls.  However, the photo/advertisement on the very next page portrays a smiling, long and lean model with attributes very few young girls are born with.) 


When it comes to television, I believe those contradictions increase exponentially.  Now, all sorts of messages are being sent across the screen (via smiling actors and actresses) that contradict family values, moral standards, and the very essence of day to day life.  What you are viewing is supposed to portray happiness and fulfillment; however, you will almost inevitably walk away from the viewing feeling anything but happy or fulfilled.  Then, insert the perfectly matched commercials and you walk away not only feeling empty and unfulfilled but also with a list of products and services that will certainly help you fill that void.  Does this happen by chance?  Of course not!  The marketing geniuses know what they are doing.  Even if you do not watch commercials, the smut that fills practically all shows on television is hardly ever value added and I personally believe is almost always as odds with how Jesus would want me to spending my time.  I do not wish to be passively fed when Jesus was THE model of active living. 


With all that being said, I do believe film has a place in the sphere of entertainment options.  However, it is just one of many options and even after being tested by our eleven year old (who was almost certainly told that America is the land of endless TV and cake), we are taking the hard and firm when it comes to television viewing.  In our home, we allow no more than one hour of television, video games, any other passive electronic entertainment per day for our eleven year old.  (The preschoolers are only allowed thirty minutes.) Some days, we allow none at all.  Neither my husband or I have watched television in many years and it is not something we miss or even consider as an option for our time together.  It may sound strange, but I believe it makes us happier with ourselves, our marriage, our family, and our relationship with God.  


On a final note, I have witnessed the beauty of boring our kids into being creative and am a huge proponent!  People always say that box is a bigger hit than the toy in it, but do they really believe it?  I do and I believe that if there was not so many contradictory messages being fed through the various media outlets, it would be easier to see, hear, and feel the truth.  

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Breaking Birth Order

When we first started out on our adoption journey, we were like sponges...soaking up information from books, other adoptive families, training and the like.  The theory of birth order is often talked about in adoption circles.  It is the idea that the order of birth influences a child's personality and also assigns the child a particular role in the family.  Some psychologists and social workers (the people responsible for doing your home study and approving your family for adoption) do not believe in breaking birth order or allowing a child to enter the home that is older than the oldest child in the family.  The idea of artificial twinning is sometimes frowned upon as well.  Thankfully, our social worker and adoption agency (supported by our statements, plans, additional training, and reasoning) gave us two thumbs up!  


When we realized God was asking us to step WAY out of the little box we had so neatly created, we should have know that He would also be providing the resources, wisdom, and strength to support the decision.  We worried about how we would communicate with a child who does not speak English, how we could incorporate the schedule of an eleven year old into a house of preschoolers, how Larry (the previous 'oldest child') would respond to his new role, whether or not we should homeschool, etc. etc. etc.  However, all along (if we could have only seen it), God way laying the path.  Little did we know there was another Ethiopian boy in the fourth grade at our school who speaks Amharic.  (Sporty and him now sit at the same classroom table.)  Little did we know the registrar from our school was also an adoptive parent.  (She let us know what an excellent ESOL program our school has and that there are over one hundred children in the program.)   Little did we know the local Ethiopian community would be so supportive and willing to help.  (We have connected with local Ethiopian-Americans who help translate, offer advice and support, and have in a sense adopted us.)  


With that being said, adopting out of birth order does present some unique challenges.  As parents, we were thrown into a world previously only known to us by our own past experiences.  Two months ago, our routine consisted entirely of preschool activities.  Now, we are doing math and language arts homework daily, planning field trips, and signing up for soccer teams.  I honestly believe that most challenges can be dealt with the same way we handle everything else in life. That is, by being intentional.  Does it take planning?  Yes.  Does it take faith and sweat?  Yup!  Are we more tired at the end of each day than we have before been?  Of course.  Are we more wired and inspired to be the hands and feet of Christ than ever before?  Y.E.S.!!  


The amazing thing that has resulted from our newfound crazy-hectic home is we have we have become way more efficient in almost every area.  The children are dressed and teeth are brushed before we come downstairs every morning.  Lunches are packed the night before.  Meals are now planned and we eat at the dining room table as a family every night.  Our prayers have become more focused, intentional, and intense.  The number of children in our family has doubled and they love on each other (and beat each other up) like siblings all around the world.  You would never know (or so we have been told) that we have been together as a family only a few short weeks.


During my freshman year of college, one of my favorite courses was Sociology.  We learned about Parkinson's Law and it is something that has stuck with me throughout adulthood.  The law states that "work expands to fill the time necessary for completion".  I think about this law often as it can be applied to pretty much everything.  Two months ago, our tasks and commitments seemed to fill up our entire schedule with nothing left to spare.  Now, with double the kids and undoubtedly less energy, we are still able to accomplish what needs to happen.  Unless we impose artificial deadlines (which I do often and highly recommend), the amount of work we have to do nearly always take the exact amount of time allotted.  


Breaking birth order has probably been the least significant issue surrounding our adoption.  That is probably due in a large part to the six year gap between Larry and Sporty.  I assume it would be much more significant if they were closer in age.  The biggest issue surrounding our adoption at this point is that God has blessed us with four very intense 'only children'...but that is a topic for another day!  


Hebrews 12:1 states, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."  


Father God, help us run forward, setting our eyes on you, leaving our fear in the dust, continuously and intentionally seeking your wisdom and strength so that we are able to accomplish your will and abandon our own.  

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Heaven: What the Bible Says (and Does Not Say)

As I have mentioned before, last year was a year of incredibly high-highs and equally low-lows.  On one hand, we were ‘expecting’ two new blessings.  On the other hand, my mother and biggest fan was preparing to depart this life.  I miss my mom terribly, but am so thankful that we had time to prepare for her homecoming.  Time to clear our minds and our hearts, to apologize and make amends, to say the things that should have been said years ago, and finally to prepare (as best as possible) for life without mom. 

During mom’s final months of life, a friend lent me a book titled, “One Minute After You Die” (Lutzer).  It was one of many books I read on death, grief, and loss.  What I enjoyed most about this particular book was the scriptural references to hades and sheol in the Old Testament and the references to heaven and eternity in the New (Testament).  My own faith was challenged as I initially was not sure that I completely agreed with the author’s perspective.  Frankly, it seemed a bit harsh and ‘old-schoolish’.  (I find it best to always cross-reference view points with those of other theologians.)  However, over the course of reading the book and praying over the scripture, the Bible (being the amazingly cool book that it is) came alive and was speaking directly to my questions. By the end of the book, most of my questions had been answered directly through the references to passages in the Bible and the counsel of the Holy Spirit. 

Below are a few common beliefs, ideas, or questions people have about heaven along with a statement on what the Bible says. 

1. ‘Your loved one is now watching over you from heaven.’ Along the same line, but a little different: ‘You now have a special (guardian) angel in heaven.’  

I really want to believe the first one.  Who wouldn’t want to believe their departed loved one can still see, look out, and essentially take part in their lives from above?  The New Testament does not completely contradict the idea that our departed loved ones in heaven can see us.  However, it does not support it either.  Most importantly, the Bible states that the deceased cannot communicate with us and it forbids us from trying to communicate with them.  The Bible simply says that those in heaven are home with the Lord and that their knowledge has increased (2 Corinthians 5:6-8 and 1 Corinthians 13:12). 

Furthermore, the Bible does not say that our deceased loved ones become angels, as angles and humans are separate beings according to scripture.  (Hebrews 1:7, 14; Hebrews 2:6-7; 1 Corinthians 15:39-41; Luke 20:34-36; Matthew 25:41)

2. Is there an in between place or holding room before going to heaven? 

Being raised Catholic (although I am no longer a card-carrying member or subscriber to their doctrine), I remember being taught to believe that unless we committed a mortal sin (as opposed to venial sins), we would most likely end up in purgatory until we are either prayed into heaven or accumulate enough good deeds to earn our way there.  SO, as an adult when I gave my life over to Christ and started studying the Bible, I was surprised to learn that the doctrine of purgatory is not found in the Bible.  In fact, the Bible is very clear that when believers die, we go straight to be with God.  There is no middle place, holding room, or torture chamber where you will have to make amends for your sins.  Christ made amends for them when He was nailed to the cross. Finally, as Christ was dying on the cross, one of two criminals who were also sentenced to death that day turned to Jesus and asked Jesus to remember him when He came into His kingdom.  This criminal had no time on earth to make amends for his crimes.  No time to turn his life around and become an upstanding citizen.  Nothing, except a plea for Jesus to remember him.  The criminal 'came to Christ' that day.  Jesus responded by saying, "I tell you the truth. Today you will be with me in paradise!" 

3. Why did Christ have to die in order for us to enter heaven? 

In my opinion, this is probably the most complex and complicated idea in the entire Christian doctrine.  It is also the most important.  I cannot attempt to answer this question in one paragraph, but can encourage you to study to the Bible and find this answer for yourself.  In short, God made us to love Him and only Him.  Because you need free will to honestly and openly love anyone, He gave us the choice.  We failed, and there began the downfall.  The story is all there, in the best selling book of all time.  Once you open yourself to the idea that the Bible is indeed the Word of God, as foreign as that may be to you, God will begin to create a new you from the inside out and begin to answer these and any other pressing questions you may have.  2 Corinthians 5:17 states, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come.  The old has gone, the new is here!”

He really does create us new and the best gift of all if the promise of eternity.  Apart from eternity, life makes absolutely no sense to me.  You could have the best life by all worldly standards, but what do you really have?  What do you really control?  You do not determine when you enter or exit this life.  You do not determine how you exit this life.  You do not take anything with you.  However, knowing that we will indeed be reunited with our brothers and sisters in Christ in a place that knows no pain or suffering, makes this life worth living to its fullest. 

13:36).  Jesus had unfinished business to take care of and through the most selfless act ever recorded, He defeated death so that we can all spend eternity free of the trials and tribulations of this world.  For that, I am eternally grateful!  My chains are gone, I’ve been set free…

As Lutzer states in his book, “Death is the chariot our heavenly Father sends to bring us to Himself.”  And mom, whether you can see us or not, I know you are home with the heavenly Father, dancing like you've never danced before and I so look forward to one day being with you again...this time for eternity!  

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Attachment, Security, Self Esteem, and Hope

Most adoptive families are required to complete a good deal of training and reading during the home study portion of the adoption process.  One of the main topics discussed during training is that of attachment.  Psychologist John Bowlby defines attachment as the lasting psychological connectedness between human beings.  When discussing infant attachment, the general idea is this:  baby has a need (food, assurance, comfort, etc.) and then the mother or primary caregiver meets the need.  This cycle takes about two years to complete and results in a baby with a secure attachment.  A baby with secure attachment is able to separate from her parent, but knows to seek the parent for her needs and concerns.  When this cycle is disrupted, as often happens with adopted children, there can be lasting psychological effects.  


When we received our referral and monthly updates for Sassy, it was clear that her attachment cycle had been disrupted.  Not only was she dealing with the typical security issues of toddlers, but that of a child who had lost everything that was known and safe to her.  We know very little about her past, only that she was about one year old when, for reasons only God knows, her caregiver chose to abandon her.  Every time I play out that scenario in my mind, tears well up.  I cannot imagine what that feels like to a small child.  One day your world is at the very least predictably unpredictable and then next, poof, the person who has been with you all along is gone, never to return.  


Sassy's behavior patterns and mannerisms do suggest that she had formed a bond with someone.  While living in the transition home, she preferred one specific nanny.  Psychologically speaking, this is great news.  Psychologists believe that if a baby has formed a bond with someone, that bond can be transferred.  That does not suggest, however, that the transfer will in any way be seamless.  


What we have witnessed in the short three weeks since we have been home is nothing short of God's amazing grace and His provisions.  Sassy went from being stuck to my hip or hanging on my leg, to slowly taking two steps away, to giggling and letting her guard down, to playing with her siblings (first one at a time, then all at once!), to finally letting her father take her on a walk without me being present and returning home with a big smile on her face repeating, "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy."  This is the same little girl who did not smile in a single photo in the six months that lapsed between our referral and her coming home.  The same girl who screamed bloody murder when anyone other than her nanny tried to hold her.  The same girl who was abandoned on the street and only through the power of the Holy Spirit was able to know almost instantly that we were her forever family.  Three.  Short.  Weeks.  So. Much. Progress!!


I have also witnessed how her insecurity initially caused her to freeze.  When scared, she would just scream and freeze up, unable to even take a step. (While our other children, when scared would scream, but run to me.)  It baffled me at first, but one day a light went on.  She never had the chance to explore on her own or build her self esteem.  After coaching her up the staircase one morning and then applauding once she reached the top, she looked at me that biggest smile, as if to say, "I did it!  I didn't know I could do it, but I did."  We have had many of those breakthrough moments.   The more she realizes she is able to accomplish, the more secure she is feeling in herself.  The more we reinforce that we are always going to be here to meet her needs, the more secure she is feeling in her family and home.  


God has proven so faithful.  Even in the most trying circumstances, He is walking with us, comforting us, and providing the wisdom and refreshment we need to handle each and every situation that presents itself.  While we are charting new waters, I am in awe of His complexity and perfectness.  He perfect love for His imperfect children.  His trust, reassurance, provisions.  We have come so far in three weeks,  I can only imagine what our home and life will look like one year down the road.  He is faithful.  


Psalm 89:1  "I will sing of the Lord's great love forever; with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations."