Adoption in an act of mercy, not justice. That phrase repeats over and over in my head. It has since June 2010 when through a series of conversations, life group studies, and sermons God made it clear that he was speaking. As Margaret Feinberg discusses in her book The Sacred Echo, when God wants to communicate a message, the same theme will resurface in many areas of your life. God has continued to echo this message long after we returned home.
Adoption is indeed an act of mercy. That is a relatively simple truth, one that our family embraces. Yet, that same truth leaves me empty handed and confused in the justice department. There are many injustices in this world. Often times, the mountains seem too big to climb. I wonder if perhaps people feel that because that cannot fix it all, they shouldn't bother doing anything. I wonder if the size and complexities of the issues make it impossible to see the forest beyond the trees. I cannot speak for others, but I know that our adoption experience has made it clear to us that we must always be fighting for justice, whenever and wherever possible, for the glory of God.
When we attended our court hearing in Ethiopia, our adoption agency told us things would happen in a predictable and relatively emotionless (stoic was the word used) manner. In short, we were told the birth relative (if there is one) will attend court in the morning and relinquish his/her rights. They would stand before a judge and give their account. Then, the birth family would leave the court and be taken back to the guest house where he/she could meet with us later in the day if desired. We would definitely not see each other at court. After the birth family has long departed from court, we would enter the courtroom and give our account. We would answer any questions the judge asks and tell her about the countless hours of training and preparation we have been through. She would look over our file and if everything was complete, we would be declared the forever family of Sporty and Sassy. Yay! Throw some figurative confetti and high five our travel group...simple and straightforward is what we were expecting.
The following account describes how things actually went down. Around 9:30 a.m., we piled in the van and drove to court. Once we arrived, our agency representative got out and and ran up about 1000 stairs to the office. Five minutes later, he came back out of the building, hopped in the van and we all drove back to the guest house. Due to some confusion or mix-up with the schedule, we would not be meeting the judge until the afternoon. We walked up 500 stairs (at 8000 feet elevation) back to our room and sat on the couch just long enough for our phone to ring with our representative telling us to hurry up and get back in the van. So, down the stairs we ran, hopping into the van, driving wildly back to the court decapitating a few donkeys. (OK, maybe that part did not actually happen, but I can not be certain because my eyes we closed!) We were dropped off in front of the courthouse and hurriedly walked up 1000 stairs where we exited the stratosphere and entered the courtroom. What happened next was not in our handbook.
As our travel group piled into the middle of the waiting area (think teeny-tiny version on the DMV with chairs for about a quarter of the number of people in the room), I turned around the see our son, Sporty, walking in. What? We were told no children would be present. OK, breathe. Breathe again. We've got this. Then, following directly behind Sporty was his aunt, head down and eyes full of tears. WHAT? Can I say, what? Wait just one second. We were told no children, no birth family...not until we had both separately given our account to the judge. And what about stoic? I did not see or sense stoic. I sensed heartbreak, shame, guilt, sadness...a deep and dark sadness. I began to sob as my eyes met hers. I knew, without ever seeing or meeting her before who she was. Our son's aunt. The only living relative left in his family, yet unable to care for another child. This was not how she envisioned her life. This is not what she wanted for her children or her family. Her family had already been through so much. Illness, death, sudden death, poverty. She was the face of injustice. At that moment, we became forever entwined with injustice. Our family = injustice. And because it is our family, we take up the cause.
I am not a fool. Obviously adoption is not the perfect answer to this scenario. However, it is the only merciful answer given our constraints within the law and due to the unequal distribution of the world's (aka God's) resources. Our son was legally declared an orphan over one year before we met him. We knew of no aunt or family member at that point. However she was there, she is there, she is family, and she has been done wrong. We must continue to pray and work for justice while being merciful and obedient to God. Our options and solutions will never be perfect this side of eternity; however, that should not preclude us from acting at all. In John 21:15-18, Jesus asks Peter three times, "Do you love me?" When Peter says yes, Jesus' response was the same each time, " Then feed my sheep." Read Matthew 25:31-46 if you need further convincing. These verses can be summed up in verse 40 when Jesus says, "Truly I tell you, whatever you did for the least of one of these brothers and sisters, you did for me." Finally, the famed adoption verse. James 1:27 says, "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." That verse is full of wisdom. Do good, do not let yourself be polluted.
The truth that God is continuing to reveal to me is that acts of mercy, one by one, are compounded and as our heavenly father is glorified through his hands and feet, fruitfulness increases exponentially in order to achieve justice. On earth as it is in heaven, folks! While one person certainly cannot change the world, one person can change the life of another, who pays it forward and testifies about the truth to another, who hears the truth and experiences life transformation and clarity that only God can give. He or she takes the message and runs with it. All the while, the person who initially thought they were 'simply adopting a child', has experienced a different kind of life transformation. That person becomes one with injustice and can no longer turn a blind eye. As Proverbs 24:12 tells us, "Once our eyes are opened we cannot pretend we do not know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls knows we know and holds us responsible to act."
The best thing to come out of our court day adventure was our newly formed relationship with Sporty's aunt. In a one and half hour conversation, we talked and bonded. Grieved and loved. Sitting around the guest house, we became family. In traditional African fashion, stories are passed down by word of mouth from generation to generation. In a meeting we recorded on video, Sporty's aunt described in detail how various relatives met, married, were sent off to war, had died, where they were buried, so on and so forth. She handed down these stories to us, her family, and I have honestly never been so humbled and thankful. We hugged, talked, cried, and tried as best as possible to communicate that we are all family, and what one family member faces, we all face. Next year, when we return to Ethiopia we will be returning to family. Thank you God, for letting us be transformed for your glory. Let us never grow weak or weary.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Adopting Again? Are You Crazy?
Well, I guess the answer depends on how you define crazy. If you define crazy as giving up creature comforts, sacrificing even more scarce time, accepting unknown risks, and pretty much assuring our children that we will never be able to pick up the tab on their college education then yes...we are completely insane!
However, my definition of crazy is a bit upside down these days. I would define crazy as wasting even a single day when God has asked us to move. Crazy would be sitting back and thinking we've done enough and that it is someone else's turn. Crazy would be thinking that there will always be tomorrow or next year to act, when in fact next year is not promised to anyone. Crazy would be thinking we could do any of this on our own when our heavenly Father has made it quite clear that we have done none on our own.
Thankfully, God has made his loving presence known in our household and we rely on his grace, mercy, and provisions to get through each and every day. Sometimes minute by minute. On our own, we have been in over our heads for quite some time. As Beth Moore likes to say, "Baggage attracts baggage." Without God, our home would be one big luggage turnstile. I believe the day we welcomed Larry into the world, God had a sly grin on his face thinking, "This unsuspecting young couple has no idea that they are about to take the ride of their lives." Wouldn't you like to take that kind of ride? Maybe it's not adoption, but some other risk God is calling you to take for his glory. Go ahead, take the first step toward whatever God may be calling you to do. Step out of your comfort zone, trust him, rely on him, and watch your life transform right in front of you. Then, watch that transformation impact those around you! It is miraculous...and that is a guarantee.
The truth is, while I sit here in my comfortable chair inside my comfortable climate controlled building, drinking my safe filtered water, and enjoying a cup of coffee all while having the luxury to put these thoughts into words, 30,000 people will die. Yes, that is correct. Each day, 30,000 of God's children...children God loves no less than you and I will die of preventable diseases.
As Luke 12:48 says, "...from everyone who has been given much; much will be expected. And from the one who has been entrusted with more, much more will be asked." Even during an economic downturn, slow job growth, rising unemployment and a host of other negative economic indicators, those of us in developed nations are living far, far better than the majority of human beings cohabiting God's beautiful creation. If you have clean water and more than one meal per day, you are rich in the eyes of 925 million hungry people in the world. Water + Breakfast + Lunch = Rich. Have you ever thought about it in those terms? Forget about the cost of extracurricular activities, brand named clothing, college education, and a host of other luxuries. Let's stick to the basics. Can you make a difference, a huge life-changing positive difference in the life of someone? If you are reading this than the answer is yes. A big emphatic Y.E.S. If you cannot adopt, consider sponsoring a child. If children are not your thing, help build a well. If you don't like water, visit your local food bank and ask for ways to get involved. If you don't like food...well, I'm not sure what to say about that. :-)
Bringing it full circle, my one request, God, is that the child or children you have planned for our home are over five years of age. I know you like to scoff at my requests, but as a persistent control freak, I just do not possess enough self control not to ask. If you do see fit to bless us with another preschooler, I think it will be safe to safe that we will, in fact, be crazy by every definition imaginable. Please do not let that happen. I trust you. Amen!
Bringing it full circle, my one request, God, is that the child or children you have planned for our home are over five years of age. I know you like to scoff at my requests, but as a persistent control freak, I just do not possess enough self control not to ask. If you do see fit to bless us with another preschooler, I think it will be safe to safe that we will, in fact, be crazy by every definition imaginable. Please do not let that happen. I trust you. Amen!
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Bloom Where You're Planted
As I have said before, God's timing is rarely our own. Just when we think we have designed the perfect plan, God comes in and after a brief chuckle, reminds us that when we are seeking him and are willing to live out our lives according to his purpose, we must be open and willing to follow his plan, regardless of what it looks like...whatever time, whatever place.
When I was in grade school, we would sing a song in church called Bloom Where You're Planted. It was a simple song and for whatever reason, it popped into my head at least half a dozen times last week. While searching for a copy of the song, I instead found this video clip from the movie Facing the Giants. It was as if God placed that old song in my head so that I would find this clip and be reminded that he is the one who opens doors that no one can shut. In addition he is constantly seeking to use each one of us, right where we are. However, we need to remember to first do the work that is required on our part, in faith and in deed, so that he can do the work required on his.
With an eleven-year-old-new-to-America son and three rambunctious preschoolers in our home, I would have laughed (and trembled in fear) if someone had told me six months ago that two doors were about to swing wide open. I have been preparing myself for the first door, cautiously yet optimistically in a neat little box; however, the second door caught me by complete surprise.
Through door number one, I will head to seminary in order to study God's Word and gain a better understanding of how to practically apply theology to today's generation and future generations. Through door number two, I will immediately begin putting to use the knowledge gained through door number one. Starting this Monday, I will retire my SAHM status and assume the Director of Welcoming Ministries position at our church. Through both doors, simultaneously and in ways unseen and unknown at this point in time, God will provide the opportunity to serve him, serve others, and grow in Christ. While I can see a faint glimpse off into the distance, the operational and tactical details of his plan are still blurred. Because he is a loving God who knows me most intimately, he understands that too many details all at once will distract me and cause me to be anxious. So instead, he is whispering, "Put one foot in front of the other and trust that I am there. When the time is right, more will be revealed." I am excited beyond words to see his plan play itself out in our family, the life of our church, and the life of our community.
Six months ago, I would have never imaged returning to 'work' this year because I was under the mistaken impression that God was going to keep me at home until all of our children were in kindergarten...because that was my plan, and why wouldn't God just fall in line with my plan and then I could just give him the credit? Sounded good to me! However, I completely trust that he is the one opening these doors because I feel his comforting presence and a peace that cannot be put into words. Instead of worrying, I am acting and taking the steps necessary to make sure the daily logistical concerns are taken care of. Instead of making excuses for why the timing is not right, I am trusting that he is always on time and praying that his strength is made perfect in my weakness.
As Colossians 3:23 says, "Whatever you do, work at is with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not human masters." As our family prepares ourselves, yet again, for change and growth, we will continue to pray that God makes his desires clear and provides all that we need to be successful. We pray that are able to view every day as an opportunity to serve with all of our heart and bloom where we are planted.
Below are two verses and the chorus of the song Bloom Where You're Planted. I have not heard or thought about this song since grade school, but as always God's timing is perfect.
Look at the flowers, look at them growing,
They never worry, they never work.
Look at the way our Father clothes them,
Each with beauty all its own
Each with beauty all its own
Bloom, bloom, bloom where you're planted.
You will find your way.
Bloom, bloom, bloom where you're planted.
You will have your day.
Look at the love that lies deep within in,
Let yourself be! Let yourself be!
Look at the gifts that you have been given.
Let them go free! Let them go free!
Let them go free! Let them go free!
When I was in grade school, we would sing a song in church called Bloom Where You're Planted. It was a simple song and for whatever reason, it popped into my head at least half a dozen times last week. While searching for a copy of the song, I instead found this video clip from the movie Facing the Giants. It was as if God placed that old song in my head so that I would find this clip and be reminded that he is the one who opens doors that no one can shut. In addition he is constantly seeking to use each one of us, right where we are. However, we need to remember to first do the work that is required on our part, in faith and in deed, so that he can do the work required on his.
With an eleven-year-old-new-to-America son and three rambunctious preschoolers in our home, I would have laughed (and trembled in fear) if someone had told me six months ago that two doors were about to swing wide open. I have been preparing myself for the first door, cautiously yet optimistically in a neat little box; however, the second door caught me by complete surprise.
Through door number one, I will head to seminary in order to study God's Word and gain a better understanding of how to practically apply theology to today's generation and future generations. Through door number two, I will immediately begin putting to use the knowledge gained through door number one. Starting this Monday, I will retire my SAHM status and assume the Director of Welcoming Ministries position at our church. Through both doors, simultaneously and in ways unseen and unknown at this point in time, God will provide the opportunity to serve him, serve others, and grow in Christ. While I can see a faint glimpse off into the distance, the operational and tactical details of his plan are still blurred. Because he is a loving God who knows me most intimately, he understands that too many details all at once will distract me and cause me to be anxious. So instead, he is whispering, "Put one foot in front of the other and trust that I am there. When the time is right, more will be revealed." I am excited beyond words to see his plan play itself out in our family, the life of our church, and the life of our community.
Six months ago, I would have never imaged returning to 'work' this year because I was under the mistaken impression that God was going to keep me at home until all of our children were in kindergarten...because that was my plan, and why wouldn't God just fall in line with my plan and then I could just give him the credit? Sounded good to me! However, I completely trust that he is the one opening these doors because I feel his comforting presence and a peace that cannot be put into words. Instead of worrying, I am acting and taking the steps necessary to make sure the daily logistical concerns are taken care of. Instead of making excuses for why the timing is not right, I am trusting that he is always on time and praying that his strength is made perfect in my weakness.
As Colossians 3:23 says, "Whatever you do, work at is with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not human masters." As our family prepares ourselves, yet again, for change and growth, we will continue to pray that God makes his desires clear and provides all that we need to be successful. We pray that are able to view every day as an opportunity to serve with all of our heart and bloom where we are planted.
Below are two verses and the chorus of the song Bloom Where You're Planted. I have not heard or thought about this song since grade school, but as always God's timing is perfect.
Look at the flowers, look at them growing,
They never worry, they never work.
Look at the way our Father clothes them,
Each with beauty all its own
Each with beauty all its own
Bloom, bloom, bloom where you're planted.
You will find your way.
Bloom, bloom, bloom where you're planted.
You will have your day.
Look at the love that lies deep within in,
Let yourself be! Let yourself be!
Look at the gifts that you have been given.
Let them go free! Let them go free!
Let them go free! Let them go free!
 |
| Photo Credit |
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
The Adoption Homecoming: Boundaries ASAP
One of the most important and useful pieces of advice we received along our adoption journey was to set and enforce house rules and boundaries as soon as possible upon arriving home. With all of the emotions tied to adoption, the sheer exhaustion of the experience, in addition to the children's unique histories, hurts, and grieving process, this is a lot easier said than done. However, it is true and it is worth every bead of sweat your body will produce.
Last weekend, a friend and fellow adoptive parent arrived home with her three new children. Watching them walk through the international arrival gate at the airport was simply surreal and being there to watch them cross the finish line was an amazing gift. Only four and a half months ago were we the ones walking through that same gate, being welcomed by some of the same faces. Only, what felt like the finish line at the time had instead become a new starting block. Looking at their new family, then looking at ours, an image of their new race and the one we have been running flashed in my mind. There is so little time to rest, fuel up, and hydrate before the new challenges will begin hurling at them. Grief, hurt, loss, defiance, discipline, cultural differences, food issues, etc. etc, etc. Because all of these new changes could threaten to turn a home upside down, I can not emphasize enough how important it has been for us to create, maintain, and enforce boundaries while simultaneously establishing a loving and nurturing environment. The two can co-exist happily.
The boundaries will obviously differ from home to home. However, it is important to work toward the vision you have for how you want your home to run and operate. Don't bend the rules or make exceptions if it is only going to cause you to work harder and longer in the long run. For example, healthy eating is important to us. Therefore, we did not bend the rules for the new children. Instead, we are working toward having Sporty accept that vegetables, fruits, whole grains, etc. are what's for dinner. End of story. Tonight, I watched Sporty inhale a plate full of cauliflower and broccoli. Three months ago, he would have turned his back to the table and pouted. It was also important for us to not share our bed or bedroom with any of our children. Therefore, from the day we arrived home I slept in Sassy's bedroom on the floor next to her bed. As the weeks progressed, I worked myself out of her room and back into ours. What began as shrieks of terror has grown into a relatively healthy level of assurance that she is not alone and I will be there to comfort her when she needs me. It took approximately five weeks to work myself out of her room. A third area that was important to us is listening and obeying. While Sporty initially tried to test and manipulate the rules I gave him, I see this greatly diminishing and have actually begun to feel as if he realizes we are on the same team. Instead of him putting up a fight or becoming passive-resistant when told to do something he does not want to do, he is actually starting to comply almost immediately. We have our moments, but by and large things are starting to level out. He has realized that if asks dad after mom just gave him a directive, dad will back up mom. This obviously gets tricky when dad and mom are out of ear shot, but as parents we are learning to check in with each other.
The advice that was given to us that I would love to pass along is that it is important immediately establish boundaries for whatever is important to you and your family. Do not feel guilty or that you need to relax some of your rules, because that will probably wind up causing more headache and heartache than if you would have taken the hard and firm. When a child joins your family, even if there are no children in the home, he or she is joining an already established unit. Instant gratification rarely yields fruit and as we are learning there is no way to go under, over, or around the family building process...we all simply must plow through it.
Our hope is that when we come out of the other end, we will be a more cohesive, happy, and assured unit. By establishing our framework, creating some goals, and sticking to the rules, we are beginning to witness the fruit of our labor. When the honeymoon ended and we found ourselves in the trenches, we dug in and stayed firm. My advice would be for you to do the same. Be flexible where you can, realizing that your family is growing and adjusting. However, do not compromise the rules and boundaries that have established and served you as a family.
Hebrews 12:11 states, "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." In addition Psalm 32:8 says, "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you." I find it most comforting to know to that while we are in the process of molding and growing our children, our heavenly Father is doing the same for us. We are never alone and knowing that God will discipline and instruct us as we call on his name brings me much peace.
Last weekend, a friend and fellow adoptive parent arrived home with her three new children. Watching them walk through the international arrival gate at the airport was simply surreal and being there to watch them cross the finish line was an amazing gift. Only four and a half months ago were we the ones walking through that same gate, being welcomed by some of the same faces. Only, what felt like the finish line at the time had instead become a new starting block. Looking at their new family, then looking at ours, an image of their new race and the one we have been running flashed in my mind. There is so little time to rest, fuel up, and hydrate before the new challenges will begin hurling at them. Grief, hurt, loss, defiance, discipline, cultural differences, food issues, etc. etc, etc. Because all of these new changes could threaten to turn a home upside down, I can not emphasize enough how important it has been for us to create, maintain, and enforce boundaries while simultaneously establishing a loving and nurturing environment. The two can co-exist happily.
The boundaries will obviously differ from home to home. However, it is important to work toward the vision you have for how you want your home to run and operate. Don't bend the rules or make exceptions if it is only going to cause you to work harder and longer in the long run. For example, healthy eating is important to us. Therefore, we did not bend the rules for the new children. Instead, we are working toward having Sporty accept that vegetables, fruits, whole grains, etc. are what's for dinner. End of story. Tonight, I watched Sporty inhale a plate full of cauliflower and broccoli. Three months ago, he would have turned his back to the table and pouted. It was also important for us to not share our bed or bedroom with any of our children. Therefore, from the day we arrived home I slept in Sassy's bedroom on the floor next to her bed. As the weeks progressed, I worked myself out of her room and back into ours. What began as shrieks of terror has grown into a relatively healthy level of assurance that she is not alone and I will be there to comfort her when she needs me. It took approximately five weeks to work myself out of her room. A third area that was important to us is listening and obeying. While Sporty initially tried to test and manipulate the rules I gave him, I see this greatly diminishing and have actually begun to feel as if he realizes we are on the same team. Instead of him putting up a fight or becoming passive-resistant when told to do something he does not want to do, he is actually starting to comply almost immediately. We have our moments, but by and large things are starting to level out. He has realized that if asks dad after mom just gave him a directive, dad will back up mom. This obviously gets tricky when dad and mom are out of ear shot, but as parents we are learning to check in with each other.
The advice that was given to us that I would love to pass along is that it is important immediately establish boundaries for whatever is important to you and your family. Do not feel guilty or that you need to relax some of your rules, because that will probably wind up causing more headache and heartache than if you would have taken the hard and firm. When a child joins your family, even if there are no children in the home, he or she is joining an already established unit. Instant gratification rarely yields fruit and as we are learning there is no way to go under, over, or around the family building process...we all simply must plow through it.
Our hope is that when we come out of the other end, we will be a more cohesive, happy, and assured unit. By establishing our framework, creating some goals, and sticking to the rules, we are beginning to witness the fruit of our labor. When the honeymoon ended and we found ourselves in the trenches, we dug in and stayed firm. My advice would be for you to do the same. Be flexible where you can, realizing that your family is growing and adjusting. However, do not compromise the rules and boundaries that have established and served you as a family.
Hebrews 12:11 states, "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." In addition Psalm 32:8 says, "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you." I find it most comforting to know to that while we are in the process of molding and growing our children, our heavenly Father is doing the same for us. We are never alone and knowing that God will discipline and instruct us as we call on his name brings me much peace.
 |
| Photo Credit |
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Parenting and Adoption: The Good, Bad, and Ugly
Before having children, a lot of people look around at other families with kids (maybe even slyly smiling to themselves) and mistakenly assume they are going to do better. We are going to have total control of our kids, is what many of us think BK (before kids). We would never let our kid act that way. Or, our kids are never going to do/say something like that. Hey parents, how many of you thought this way before having children? How many still feel this way? Exactly. We've all had our share of humble pie and hopefully have learned not to judge others through it. There is no more humbling experience, day in and day out, than parenting. Praise God for helping us keep our eyes on Him!
Just this morning, I sent Larry upstairs to brush his teeth. A simple task that lately has been causing volcanic eruptions in our home. I heard him run into the bathroom and thought, "Wow, he is getting himself ready...quietly even! We are making progress." Then, he emerged ten minutes later. A bald track in his head the width of daddy's beard trimmer. Smiling and proud he exclaimed, "I didn't touch the razor, mommy. I used the trimmers." Well, at least safety was a consideration. (If you're angry and you know it, take deep breaths. This is becoming my mama mantra.) Now, back the task at hand. His teeth? You guessed it...not brushed.
So, it should come as no surprise that parenting adopted children is equally humbling. Yesterday an adoptive friend made a statement that rang true. Adoptive parents are often hesitant to share the difficult parts of the adoption experience, especially when it comes to discipline and household stress related to the adoption. My guess (and it's just a guess) is that we don't want to be perceived as failures. In addition, we do not want to scare anyone away from considering adoption.
With that being said, here are two great truths in our home surrounding our adoption. First and foremost, we would do it again in a heartbeat...and actually plan to, once we reach cruising altitude. We will embrace (and brace ourselves for) every joy, challenge, struggle, and sleepless night. There has been nothing about this experience that would stop us from stepping out in faith again. Remember, God is the strength in our weakness. Essentially, all we are doing is telling God he can use us and our bodies. He does the rest. We have done none of this on our own. (Philippians 2:13) Second, the past three and a half months have been the hardest we have ever been through. Here is the mathematical expression: take the emotional nature of the experience, coupled with everyone's world being turned upside down, in addition to living in a home with three (very intense) children four years of age and younger, add an eleven year old who is just learning English and is not used to discipline being enforced, multiply the noise level by four, and throw in two parents learning how to parent a pre-adolescent . What do you get? A whole lot of question marks and the need to seek Christ minute by minute.
The past few months have been hard on our marriage. We have argued like never before. We have been so exhausted that we could not even reconcile before going to sleep. We have disagreed in front of the children. We have had to come up with new and (hopefully) effective discipline measures on the fly. We have had to remain calm and collected beyond our physical abilities. I have been angry. I have been resentful. I have grieved the loss of our old family unit. The past few months have also been hard on our children. Three children four years of age and younger need a lot of individual attention. I am only one person, yet each of their mothers. They each want my help, attention, praise, and affirmation...usually at the same time. Our eleven year old needs attention too. His activities are separate from the preschoolers. He wants praise and affirmation and also the recognition that he is the oldest child. He wants to do things his way and does not like rules enforced. The daily business of life has been hard, very hard. Most importantly though, we pray together daily as a family and know that day-by-day we are growing together, in Christ. Our foundation is in Christ and He does not fail. Because our foundation is strong, everything else is 'just a thang'!
Looking back, it is easy to see how far we have come and how much we have grown. In three short months we have all made exponential progress, but it has not been easy. Every challenge is an opportunity for growth and thankfully, God gives us many do-overs. If we do not get it right the first time, there is always to the opportunity to take a new approach the next time. Like the title of John Ortberg's book, If You Want To Walk On Water, You've Got To Get Out Of The Boat, we know that in order to live our lives to the fullest and become more like Christ, we have to take risks. We knew that adding another toddler plus an eleven year old boy to our family would be assuming some risk. With those risks, may come stumbling and heartache, but also great reward.
The past few months have been a dance. An awkward, sometimes monotonous, gaggle of a dance...similar to what I witnessed while stationed in Germany when everyone at a night club did the electric slide all night long to each and every song that played with a few outliers doing there own thing here and there. Gaggle, monotonous, uncoordinated dancers doing our best to grow in Christ. That about sums up our family at the present moment.
I often wonder why God waits until we are at our wit's end before intervening. But then I laugh. I know He is not the one waiting. Instead it is me not listening. He is there all along trying to gently guide and direct my path; however, I probably do not fully acknowledge Him until I am at my wit's end. Psalm 32:8 says, "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you." I read it; I say that I believe it; yet, for those things I consider too small for God (the daily business of life), I tend to rely on myself until I am about to break. I envision a life of fully trusting God in the big and small details and continue to pray that He takes me there.
So, there you have it...along with the glorious and magnificent is also the difficult and ugly. Some days are downright U-G-L-Y. Luckily, we have God's promise in Isaiah 58:11, "The Lord will guide you always; He will satisfy your need in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail." I don't know about you, but when I read those words, I can feel and taste the refreshment. That is our living God!
Just this morning, I sent Larry upstairs to brush his teeth. A simple task that lately has been causing volcanic eruptions in our home. I heard him run into the bathroom and thought, "Wow, he is getting himself ready...quietly even! We are making progress." Then, he emerged ten minutes later. A bald track in his head the width of daddy's beard trimmer. Smiling and proud he exclaimed, "I didn't touch the razor, mommy. I used the trimmers." Well, at least safety was a consideration. (If you're angry and you know it, take deep breaths. This is becoming my mama mantra.) Now, back the task at hand. His teeth? You guessed it...not brushed.
So, it should come as no surprise that parenting adopted children is equally humbling. Yesterday an adoptive friend made a statement that rang true. Adoptive parents are often hesitant to share the difficult parts of the adoption experience, especially when it comes to discipline and household stress related to the adoption. My guess (and it's just a guess) is that we don't want to be perceived as failures. In addition, we do not want to scare anyone away from considering adoption.
With that being said, here are two great truths in our home surrounding our adoption. First and foremost, we would do it again in a heartbeat...and actually plan to, once we reach cruising altitude. We will embrace (and brace ourselves for) every joy, challenge, struggle, and sleepless night. There has been nothing about this experience that would stop us from stepping out in faith again. Remember, God is the strength in our weakness. Essentially, all we are doing is telling God he can use us and our bodies. He does the rest. We have done none of this on our own. (Philippians 2:13) Second, the past three and a half months have been the hardest we have ever been through. Here is the mathematical expression: take the emotional nature of the experience, coupled with everyone's world being turned upside down, in addition to living in a home with three (very intense) children four years of age and younger, add an eleven year old who is just learning English and is not used to discipline being enforced, multiply the noise level by four, and throw in two parents learning how to parent a pre-adolescent . What do you get? A whole lot of question marks and the need to seek Christ minute by minute.
The past few months have been hard on our marriage. We have argued like never before. We have been so exhausted that we could not even reconcile before going to sleep. We have disagreed in front of the children. We have had to come up with new and (hopefully) effective discipline measures on the fly. We have had to remain calm and collected beyond our physical abilities. I have been angry. I have been resentful. I have grieved the loss of our old family unit. The past few months have also been hard on our children. Three children four years of age and younger need a lot of individual attention. I am only one person, yet each of their mothers. They each want my help, attention, praise, and affirmation...usually at the same time. Our eleven year old needs attention too. His activities are separate from the preschoolers. He wants praise and affirmation and also the recognition that he is the oldest child. He wants to do things his way and does not like rules enforced. The daily business of life has been hard, very hard. Most importantly though, we pray together daily as a family and know that day-by-day we are growing together, in Christ. Our foundation is in Christ and He does not fail. Because our foundation is strong, everything else is 'just a thang'!
Looking back, it is easy to see how far we have come and how much we have grown. In three short months we have all made exponential progress, but it has not been easy. Every challenge is an opportunity for growth and thankfully, God gives us many do-overs. If we do not get it right the first time, there is always to the opportunity to take a new approach the next time. Like the title of John Ortberg's book, If You Want To Walk On Water, You've Got To Get Out Of The Boat, we know that in order to live our lives to the fullest and become more like Christ, we have to take risks. We knew that adding another toddler plus an eleven year old boy to our family would be assuming some risk. With those risks, may come stumbling and heartache, but also great reward.
The past few months have been a dance. An awkward, sometimes monotonous, gaggle of a dance...similar to what I witnessed while stationed in Germany when everyone at a night club did the electric slide all night long to each and every song that played with a few outliers doing there own thing here and there. Gaggle, monotonous, uncoordinated dancers doing our best to grow in Christ. That about sums up our family at the present moment.
I often wonder why God waits until we are at our wit's end before intervening. But then I laugh. I know He is not the one waiting. Instead it is me not listening. He is there all along trying to gently guide and direct my path; however, I probably do not fully acknowledge Him until I am at my wit's end. Psalm 32:8 says, "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you." I read it; I say that I believe it; yet, for those things I consider too small for God (the daily business of life), I tend to rely on myself until I am about to break. I envision a life of fully trusting God in the big and small details and continue to pray that He takes me there.
So, there you have it...along with the glorious and magnificent is also the difficult and ugly. Some days are downright U-G-L-Y. Luckily, we have God's promise in Isaiah 58:11, "The Lord will guide you always; He will satisfy your need in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail." I don't know about you, but when I read those words, I can feel and taste the refreshment. That is our living God!
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Career Versus Calling
There comes a time in most of our lives when we seriously begin to question our purpose here on earth. For me, those questions began very early on (adolescence through college) and persisted into adulthood. When answers could not be found, I simply looked around and tried to piece together the unspoken. So-and-so appears to be very fulfilled on this track, maybe my calling will be found by just continuing along and one days things will click. Or, this guy appears confident and collected, maybe if I keep acquiring knowledge and skills in a certain area, my purpose will become more clear. Most of the time I simply thought to myself that nearly everyone else seems to be plugging along just fine without this deep inner conflict that keeps me awake at night. What was wrong?
Thinking back to my college years, I remember the unanswered questions. I would ask professors and mentors how they figured out which direction to take, but never felt a sense of peace about my own direction. Being the first in my family to attend college, support and encouragement were readily given, but a family history in a certain area or calling was not present. I would have to figure this out on my own. When I finally decided on a path, a major course of study in Finance and a contract guaranteeing a commission into the United States military upon graduation, I thought things would fall into place. A life of service appealed to me; plus I enjoy physical activity and being outdoors. That's it, I figured it out. Or, maybe not. The still voice in my head provided some clues. 'This is not the way.' 'Yes, you understand this material, but you will not find what you are looking for down this road.' After a brief active duty stint and then a handful of years progressing as a financial analyst for the Department of Defense, the inner turmoil was no less prevalent. I received formal training, completed my MBA, and moved around the country in search of promotions and more experience; yet, fulfillment and peace were not to be found. 'Why won't God just close this door and open the right one', I began asking myself silently and my husband aloud.
A good friend of mine, one of those friends who always happens to call and say the exact thing you need to hear at the exact moment you need to hear it, would always say reassuring things such as: 'Your career and calling do not have to be the same thing. Just because you work in a particular field, it does not necessarily mean that is where God is going to use you.' I ate these words up and believe those statements to be true; however, they did not necessarily fill the void. I wanted my career and calling to align. This realization was the first the step into figuring out how to best use my life for God's purpose. As the soul-searching continued, I began to realize that it was not up to God to close any door, it was up to me. By changing my thought patterns and diving deep into my motivations, I had realized that fear (fear of the unknown, fear or failure) kept me hanging on many more years than I should have. Although I loved many things about the military, I was not passionate about the type of work I was doing.
When we started building our family, I made the decision to use that time to begin a new chapter both personally and professionally. Yes, the decision to walk away from the familiar was difficult, but over the past few years God has shown me that I needed time, probably more time than I would have allowed myself, to figure out how to best serve Him. By spending the past few years at home with our growing family, I have learned a lot about my strengths and limitations. I have worked harder than I have ever worked in my life and yet am still driven. I have learned that at the end of myself is where Christ begins and at the end of myself is where Christ wants me to live. I try to see the world through my children's eyes, with awe and mystery and limitless possibility. I ask God to use every day of my life to build the foundation for the next and proceeding chapters. I ask that He not let me waste another day and that He please, please use me to fulfill my purpose for Him on this earth. That humble, sincere asking and pleading was what was previously missing in my life. This was not something I could figure out on my own, but only through prayer, faith, sweat, and perseverance would His plan be unveiled little by little.
Recently on the radio, I heard a guest speaker saying something along the lines of: 'Where your greatest gifts and greatest passions collide, there you will find your purpose.' This simple yet profound statement is how I envision the next chapter of my life. As the plan begins to unfold, I am nervous and giddy, but prayerful and cautious. I do not know exactly what it will look like, but have been given a glimpse and the daily reminder that I need to live at the end of myself so that I can hold the hand of Jesus as He walks me step by step. God gave me (and you) special gifts and if we let Him, He will show us how to use them.
1 Peter 4:10 says, "Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God's grace in its various forms." What are your gifts? Passions? How can each one of us use our passions and gifts to glorify God by serving others? Wouldn't it be the dream of a lifetime to figure it out?!
Thinking back to my college years, I remember the unanswered questions. I would ask professors and mentors how they figured out which direction to take, but never felt a sense of peace about my own direction. Being the first in my family to attend college, support and encouragement were readily given, but a family history in a certain area or calling was not present. I would have to figure this out on my own. When I finally decided on a path, a major course of study in Finance and a contract guaranteeing a commission into the United States military upon graduation, I thought things would fall into place. A life of service appealed to me; plus I enjoy physical activity and being outdoors. That's it, I figured it out. Or, maybe not. The still voice in my head provided some clues. 'This is not the way.' 'Yes, you understand this material, but you will not find what you are looking for down this road.' After a brief active duty stint and then a handful of years progressing as a financial analyst for the Department of Defense, the inner turmoil was no less prevalent. I received formal training, completed my MBA, and moved around the country in search of promotions and more experience; yet, fulfillment and peace were not to be found. 'Why won't God just close this door and open the right one', I began asking myself silently and my husband aloud.
A good friend of mine, one of those friends who always happens to call and say the exact thing you need to hear at the exact moment you need to hear it, would always say reassuring things such as: 'Your career and calling do not have to be the same thing. Just because you work in a particular field, it does not necessarily mean that is where God is going to use you.' I ate these words up and believe those statements to be true; however, they did not necessarily fill the void. I wanted my career and calling to align. This realization was the first the step into figuring out how to best use my life for God's purpose. As the soul-searching continued, I began to realize that it was not up to God to close any door, it was up to me. By changing my thought patterns and diving deep into my motivations, I had realized that fear (fear of the unknown, fear or failure) kept me hanging on many more years than I should have. Although I loved many things about the military, I was not passionate about the type of work I was doing.
When we started building our family, I made the decision to use that time to begin a new chapter both personally and professionally. Yes, the decision to walk away from the familiar was difficult, but over the past few years God has shown me that I needed time, probably more time than I would have allowed myself, to figure out how to best serve Him. By spending the past few years at home with our growing family, I have learned a lot about my strengths and limitations. I have worked harder than I have ever worked in my life and yet am still driven. I have learned that at the end of myself is where Christ begins and at the end of myself is where Christ wants me to live. I try to see the world through my children's eyes, with awe and mystery and limitless possibility. I ask God to use every day of my life to build the foundation for the next and proceeding chapters. I ask that He not let me waste another day and that He please, please use me to fulfill my purpose for Him on this earth. That humble, sincere asking and pleading was what was previously missing in my life. This was not something I could figure out on my own, but only through prayer, faith, sweat, and perseverance would His plan be unveiled little by little.
Recently on the radio, I heard a guest speaker saying something along the lines of: 'Where your greatest gifts and greatest passions collide, there you will find your purpose.' This simple yet profound statement is how I envision the next chapter of my life. As the plan begins to unfold, I am nervous and giddy, but prayerful and cautious. I do not know exactly what it will look like, but have been given a glimpse and the daily reminder that I need to live at the end of myself so that I can hold the hand of Jesus as He walks me step by step. God gave me (and you) special gifts and if we let Him, He will show us how to use them.
1 Peter 4:10 says, "Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God's grace in its various forms." What are your gifts? Passions? How can each one of us use our passions and gifts to glorify God by serving others? Wouldn't it be the dream of a lifetime to figure it out?!
 |
| Photo Credit |
Friday, May 6, 2011
A Match Made In Heaven
With Mother's Day quickly approaching, I thought the time was right to reflect on the perfect nature of our living God. Last year for Mother's Day, I celebrated with my husband and two wonderful boys. Actually, my wonderful husband took care of our boisterous boys so that mama could have a few hours of peace and quiet. (Something my own mother said she wanted for nearly every occasion, but we insisted on perfume, earrings, or the like. Now I know...all she really did want was peace and quiet!)
Last year, our Dossier was in Ethiopia and we were waiting for our referral. Initially (before God's nudging and us realizing the plan He had in store for our family), we had requested a little girl between 0-36 months. On Mother's Day, we would have been waiting approximately two months. On Mother's Day, our daughter was alive, most likely with her birth family and our son was waiting in the orphanage with older children, wondering who his new family would be and when they would arrive. I remember praying hard for our children last year, children 8000 miles away whom we had never met. I prayed that God would somehow unite us in spirit, in ways our eyes may never physically see, and give us peace and wisdom that only He could provide. I also remember praying that our daughter was with her birth mother, being nursed, and was able to form a loving attachment. (Because of the age range we were requesting, we felt we would be matched with a toddler, not an infant.)
How truly amazing God is and how perfectly he matches children with their forever families!
Behind the scenes, His plan was unfolding. Someone on the other side of the earth was either sick and dying or planning to give up their daughter. A grandmother caring for her grandson has died suddenly, leaving no one able to care for him. In a perfect world, no one would ever have to decide whether or not to abandon their child. In a perfect world, medication would have been accessible so that birth parents would not have died. In a perfect world, God's love would move people to care for one another and put others before self. However, we live in a fallen world, a world fraught with injustice, social inequity, poverty, epidemics, and self-serving behavior. How sad the state of our world; yet how our God continues to love us and work through the mess we create.
Last year, as we continued to wait for our referral, God opened our eyes to the countless older children waiting for homes. While we never thought in a million years He would ask us (whose oldest child at the time was only three years of age) to adopt an older child, He insisted on waking me up every night around 3:00 a.m. until I got the message. "Ummm...do you know that boy you have been praying about for months? Yes, it is you...you are his family. Yes, you. Why not you? Just because you don't know anything about parenting a pre-adolescent doesn't mean you can't learn. Be willing. Trust me." It was the voice of truth! The other voices I was hearing up until God quietly got His point across, went something like this: "Surely you cannot do this. What do you know about older kids, anyway? Don't you have enough on your plate? Three preschoolers and a non-English speaking eleven year old. Good luck with that! Be scared...be very, very scared. Older kids could kill you...burn your house down, stab you in your sleep! Come on, don't you read the news." One thing I have learned over the years is anything that elicits fear and not love does not come from God. Period. I told those voices to take a hike and the rest is history.
Well, not quite. When I first told my husband that we, in fact, were supposed to be the family of 'that boy we had been praying for daily', he about fell over. Then, to my amazement, he got up from the ground and said, "OK, let's do it!" Then...the rest is history.
We have now been home for three months with Sporty (11 years old) and Sassy (now 20 months old). Let me just tell you how perfectly God matched us. All of our children are strong-willed, independent, spunky, athletic, loud, and eager to learn. I am amazed at how quickly (even though the days and nights have been very long, exhausting, and challenging) our family has created a 'new normal' and how quickly everyone has adjusted to their new roles. How the children have formed new relationships with each sibling separately and also collectively as a new family unit. How my husband and I have recreated our daily routines to account for the soccer practices, homework, and caring for four children. Sporty, social yet shy, has jumped right into the mix at school, in our neighborhood, and on the soccer field. He is neither a sociopath nor an arson. Yet, sensitive, caring, intuitive, and is full of life. Sassy, our little princess, dons her helmet and gets right in the mix with boys. (Like her mommy, she doesn't realize how small she actually is!) She mirrors my words, actions, and gestures and attempts to mother the rest of the house. She is full of energy, curiosity, and spunk. The three little ones are best friends and typical siblings. While only 10% of the world's population is left-handed, currently 50% of our household right-brained. (I'm not sure what this means, but thought it was an interested fact.)
Oh, and just this morning Sassy did the (seemingly) strangest thing. She pulled at my shirt and said, "Mommy, milk." She has never done this before but in the past week I have sensed that memories of her past life are blurring and will eventually fade. She looked at me, her mommy and blended together her old and new life. I was not the mommy who nursed her, but in a nod from God spoken through two words from our daughter, He answered my prayer. Sassy was indeed nursed and had formed a healthy attachment with her first mom. God is faithful.
In adoption circles, we often speak of how perfectly God matches children and families. While this used to be a statement conveying blind faith and trust, it is now something I have witnessed through faith and with my own eyes. Proverbs 3:5-6 states, "Trust in the Lord God with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him and He will direct your paths." I only wished I could have embraced this truth so fully from the beginning, as it would have taken away so much of the stress that surrounds adoption.
Thank you, God for trusting us in our imperfect and flawed ways. Thank you for teaching us to trust in you always and lean not on our own understanding. Thank you for working out all of the countless details to bring together and unite our entire family. Adoption truly is a match made in heaven.
Last year, our Dossier was in Ethiopia and we were waiting for our referral. Initially (before God's nudging and us realizing the plan He had in store for our family), we had requested a little girl between 0-36 months. On Mother's Day, we would have been waiting approximately two months. On Mother's Day, our daughter was alive, most likely with her birth family and our son was waiting in the orphanage with older children, wondering who his new family would be and when they would arrive. I remember praying hard for our children last year, children 8000 miles away whom we had never met. I prayed that God would somehow unite us in spirit, in ways our eyes may never physically see, and give us peace and wisdom that only He could provide. I also remember praying that our daughter was with her birth mother, being nursed, and was able to form a loving attachment. (Because of the age range we were requesting, we felt we would be matched with a toddler, not an infant.)
How truly amazing God is and how perfectly he matches children with their forever families!
Behind the scenes, His plan was unfolding. Someone on the other side of the earth was either sick and dying or planning to give up their daughter. A grandmother caring for her grandson has died suddenly, leaving no one able to care for him. In a perfect world, no one would ever have to decide whether or not to abandon their child. In a perfect world, medication would have been accessible so that birth parents would not have died. In a perfect world, God's love would move people to care for one another and put others before self. However, we live in a fallen world, a world fraught with injustice, social inequity, poverty, epidemics, and self-serving behavior. How sad the state of our world; yet how our God continues to love us and work through the mess we create.
Last year, as we continued to wait for our referral, God opened our eyes to the countless older children waiting for homes. While we never thought in a million years He would ask us (whose oldest child at the time was only three years of age) to adopt an older child, He insisted on waking me up every night around 3:00 a.m. until I got the message. "Ummm...do you know that boy you have been praying about for months? Yes, it is you...you are his family. Yes, you. Why not you? Just because you don't know anything about parenting a pre-adolescent doesn't mean you can't learn. Be willing. Trust me." It was the voice of truth! The other voices I was hearing up until God quietly got His point across, went something like this: "Surely you cannot do this. What do you know about older kids, anyway? Don't you have enough on your plate? Three preschoolers and a non-English speaking eleven year old. Good luck with that! Be scared...be very, very scared. Older kids could kill you...burn your house down, stab you in your sleep! Come on, don't you read the news." One thing I have learned over the years is anything that elicits fear and not love does not come from God. Period. I told those voices to take a hike and the rest is history.
Well, not quite. When I first told my husband that we, in fact, were supposed to be the family of 'that boy we had been praying for daily', he about fell over. Then, to my amazement, he got up from the ground and said, "OK, let's do it!" Then...the rest is history.
We have now been home for three months with Sporty (11 years old) and Sassy (now 20 months old). Let me just tell you how perfectly God matched us. All of our children are strong-willed, independent, spunky, athletic, loud, and eager to learn. I am amazed at how quickly (even though the days and nights have been very long, exhausting, and challenging) our family has created a 'new normal' and how quickly everyone has adjusted to their new roles. How the children have formed new relationships with each sibling separately and also collectively as a new family unit. How my husband and I have recreated our daily routines to account for the soccer practices, homework, and caring for four children. Sporty, social yet shy, has jumped right into the mix at school, in our neighborhood, and on the soccer field. He is neither a sociopath nor an arson. Yet, sensitive, caring, intuitive, and is full of life. Sassy, our little princess, dons her helmet and gets right in the mix with boys. (Like her mommy, she doesn't realize how small she actually is!) She mirrors my words, actions, and gestures and attempts to mother the rest of the house. She is full of energy, curiosity, and spunk. The three little ones are best friends and typical siblings. While only 10% of the world's population is left-handed, currently 50% of our household right-brained. (I'm not sure what this means, but thought it was an interested fact.)
Oh, and just this morning Sassy did the (seemingly) strangest thing. She pulled at my shirt and said, "Mommy, milk." She has never done this before but in the past week I have sensed that memories of her past life are blurring and will eventually fade. She looked at me, her mommy and blended together her old and new life. I was not the mommy who nursed her, but in a nod from God spoken through two words from our daughter, He answered my prayer. Sassy was indeed nursed and had formed a healthy attachment with her first mom. God is faithful.
In adoption circles, we often speak of how perfectly God matches children and families. While this used to be a statement conveying blind faith and trust, it is now something I have witnessed through faith and with my own eyes. Proverbs 3:5-6 states, "Trust in the Lord God with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him and He will direct your paths." I only wished I could have embraced this truth so fully from the beginning, as it would have taken away so much of the stress that surrounds adoption.
Thank you, God for trusting us in our imperfect and flawed ways. Thank you for teaching us to trust in you always and lean not on our own understanding. Thank you for working out all of the countless details to bring together and unite our entire family. Adoption truly is a match made in heaven.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)