tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5459125097671585218.post6235155138446406068..comments2022-08-20T11:01:58.138-04:00Comments on God's Perfect Timing: When Your Adopted Child "Wants To Go Back"Clara Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12455144709881447861noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5459125097671585218.post-92084978287153823452012-07-20T10:52:54.550-04:002012-07-20T10:52:54.550-04:00K, I know your kids are in the even more 'fun...K, I know your kids are in the even more 'fun' actual teen stage. I used to tell Sporty the same thing (re: going back), but stopped doing that b/c I didn't think it was helping us work on growing together as a family. Plus, I would point out lovingly, but practically that there was no one and no where to really return do. B, I was hoping you would read this. As our visit was happening (this was in January), I just kept thinking, E fell down the stairs and all was well. T, I didn't actually mean that Texas was a foreign country, but to a kid from Phila, that is probably what it would have felt like...and vice verse. Ha! I have lived in Texas a couple of time as an adult and actually love it there.Clara Janehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12455144709881447861noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5459125097671585218.post-46193867933071696232012-07-20T10:36:52.590-04:002012-07-20T10:36:52.590-04:00Hi Kristen! I think that is a personal choice and...Hi Kristen! I think that is a personal choice and the answer will be different from family to family. I think (pray/hope) parents come to that decision after considering a lot of factors, most importantly what is the motivation for changing the name and what it would mean to the child. Honestly, we never even considered changing any of their names. I wanted to honor all of the people who have either parented or caretook our kids and I know that being named is a big deal. Our oldest daughter recently asked me what her "American" name would be. I told her that I love the name her mother gave her and I hope that to be her American name. She said, "You like...I like." We have (in theory) given them "American" middle names, to account for them being added to our family here. Anyway, good luck with the decision...I don't think there is a right or wrong answer. :-)Clara Janehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12455144709881447861noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5459125097671585218.post-5307644365758114902012-07-13T19:48:00.026-04:002012-07-13T19:48:00.026-04:00This is a bit off topic but with a family full of ...This is a bit off topic but with a family full of sweet children, many of whom were brought in through adoption I thought you would have a good opinion on this matter. What is your view of changing your adopted child's name? I would assume you disapprove of that idea when it comes to older children but I was curious because I have been wrestling with that idea lately. Adopted children struggle with loss and grief and I wonder how changing their name would add to that. Anyways, any input you have would be wonderful.Kristenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15044774319862952742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5459125097671585218.post-30299357550840209822012-07-12T16:00:07.696-04:002012-07-12T16:00:07.696-04:00We hear it so often I calmly reply that when they ...We hear it so often I calmly reply that when they are 18 they are welcome to go back if they'd like to, but it's not a possibility now because (1) we are legally their parents and Ethiopia won't take them back and (2) they don't have the $$$ for plane ticket. If they are trying to rattle my cage with those words, it's not working. -K.C.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5459125097671585218.post-48090534278192802142012-07-12T15:59:19.793-04:002012-07-12T15:59:19.793-04:00K, that is very similar to how we handle things. A...K, that is very similar to how we handle things. A and M have been home 18 months now, so we are also beyond the initial grieving stage. I know they are happy and adjusted, but also think they will long to stay connected to their birthplace. S has only been home 2 weeks, so we are enjoying the honeymoon!Clara Janehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12455144709881447861noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5459125097671585218.post-56883671770471570882012-07-12T15:58:58.578-04:002012-07-12T15:58:58.578-04:00K has never said anything in regards to not wantin...K has never said anything in regards to not wanting to be in our family to my husband and I, but he did early on to the other kids. We told them to start saying, "We love you anyway and so does mom and dad. If you moved to Ethiopia our whole family would go too and live with you" It quickly stopped when he saw it wasn't a good zinger to get what he wanted or hurt people, but then he started saying, "I wish YOU lived in Ethiopia" when he was angry. LOL We would respond, "If that's where God told us to move we would, but we would all be going because we are a family and are together forever." LOL Didn't take long for that one to end either. When I felt he was TRULY missing ET and not just saying it out of anger to hurt us I would start by asking questions...."What do you miss from Ethiopia? The smells? The food? The close knit relationships? Not feeling like you stand out?" "What do you NOT miss about Ethiopia? Seeing friend after friend leave the orphanage? Knowing you have no mom and dad to tuck you in or read to you? No McDonalds (lol) or walls and walls of books?...." After we identified the true feelings I would say, "Ok how about we say what we really feel then? Say, 'I really miss Ethiopia because it was home to me for many years and I understood the language perfectly and I didn't feel like I stood out, but I love that even when I am angry I now have a family who loves me no matter what. And I don't have to say goodbye to someone new every week." Of course those aren't the exact words lol but it really helped him to identify how he really felt when his heart and emotions were masking reality. -K.F.CAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5459125097671585218.post-38089149629238058992012-07-12T15:58:07.374-04:002012-07-12T15:58:07.374-04:00I'm sorry you lost me at comparing Texas to a ...I'm sorry you lost me at comparing Texas to a foreign country. LOL! JK! You do a great job of reminding all of us to look a little deeper. -T.K.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5459125097671585218.post-61900002470841185902012-07-12T15:57:46.365-04:002012-07-12T15:57:46.365-04:00Those first months, are hard. I love reading about...Those first months, are hard. I love reading about the grace that you are living these moments out with. My motto through the hard times has always been, "Truth and Time are on my side." God is at work in each of our lives! -B.T.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5459125097671585218.post-35599032368830696122012-07-12T15:56:38.159-04:002012-07-12T15:56:38.159-04:00Not to make light of the situation, but I just hap...Not to make light of the situation, but I just happen to read the "labels" at the bottom of the page. "crazy kids" is one of them, made me smile. I have yet to hear the,"you are not my real" or "I hate you", I'm sure that they will arrive shortly, since we are almost in the teen world!! -M.S.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5459125097671585218.post-32853452528381978372012-07-12T15:56:16.159-04:002012-07-12T15:56:16.159-04:00So true, L! Whoever they are most comfortable with...So true, L! Whoever they are most comfortable with gets it the most. :-) You are a good mom!Clara Janehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12455144709881447861noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5459125097671585218.post-58313156448200506662012-07-12T15:55:55.784-04:002012-07-12T15:55:55.784-04:00It happens in all families. Last week, J was on th...It happens in all families. Last week, J was on the internet on a site I am not a big fan off. It is a fanfiction site about her favorite group. Most of the stories are pg but there are a few R rated slipped in. When I saw her I immediately took her laptop and ipod away. She jumped up and became very dramatic. She yelled "I hate my life, you are so mean." She stormed upstairs. She is prob in of the most spoiled kids, we spend tons of time together and she wants for nothing. She has also on ocassion thrown in when she is mad at me that she wants to live somewhere else. I think they use those phrases against us so we give in to their wants. She lost her things for 2 days. It's tough to hear sometimes because when she says things like that I know she is implying living at her fathers because she knows this will hurt me. They know inside though where they receive the best love and that our rules and mistakes are never meant to hurt them only male them better people. -L.O.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com